How To Overcome Jealousy
Jealousy can be really detrimental to a relationship and if you are looking for ways on how to overcome jealousy, I want you to know that you have come to the right place! In the video below, I reveal the simple steps you can take to start overcoming your jealousy immediately.
If you’ve been having trouble overcoming Jealousy, consider the following practical tips:
How Any Man Can Learn to Overcome Jealousy
Be able to admit to yourself “Yes, I am jealous.”
While this may seem like common sense, you’d be surprised at how many guys either deny or are actually unable to tell that jealousy is eating them up — until it’s too late. But the best way to regain control of jealousy is to acknowledge it, not repress it. Naming jealousy puts it firmly on the conscious rather than the unconscious level and provides you the opportunity to nip it in the bud instead of letting it grow, fester and eventually ruin a relationship.
If you’re not sure whether it is jealousy you’re feeling or not, then just say: “I think I am jealous,” out loud. If the confession sounds correct then it most likely is. Keep in mind that the more honest you are about your issues, the more you will be able to make changes for the better.
Take responsibility – you are largely responsible for your problem
Do you insist that your partner is the reason for your jealousy? Do you want your partner to admit that they are upsetting you, that they must do something about your jealousy before things will be OK again? If this sounds like you then STOP! Reconsider what you are thinking and feeling about this aspect of jealousy.
This is a hard step for a lot of men to accept. You must stop accusing your partner of making you feel miserable because of their actions (by dancing with other men, by talking to other men or even by looking at other men). The fact is that only YOU, as a man, are totally responsible for your feeling of jealousy.
It is the way you think about your partner’s behaviour that makes you jealous, not the behavior itself. It is you who ultimately controls your thoughts and the beliefs that dictate how you think about their behavior. As harsh as this may sound, one has to come to terms with it. Stand up and face the music…you want to change this, right?
Generally speaking, feeling jealous says more about your own security or insecurity as a man rather than about how your partner is acting. Said differently, if you are a man that feels insecure, threatened, mistreated or vulnerable in your relationship, then you are much more likely to feel jealous by any action your partner does, however innocent it may be, than a man who doesn’t have those tendencies.
The reason you are feeling this way is not simply what SHE is doing, it’s more about how you are interpreting what she is doing and your own internal wiring.
So, are you ready to take responsibility for your feelings? Only you can….and, you CAN!
Stop acting on jealousy
Once you stop acting on jealousy, you will reduce the power that jealousy has over you. Refuse to act on jealousy and you will find that it goes away.
Instead of letting the jealous feeling overtake you use this energy that you have created for something good. Please do not linger on the feelings of jealousy, think about what you can do to improve your situation.
Ask yourself this: How can I benefit from this? How can I direct the energy into something better for myself and others? How can I react differently to this situation so that I BRING happiness into my life, not anger and fear?
Let these feelings motivate you to better yourself, to push yourself further, to grow. Turn it around and make jealousy work for you!
Count 1 to 10.
Seriously. It may sound cliché, but there’s a science to waiting a bit before reacting. Our body’s stress reaction, called the “fight-or-flight response” turns on automatically when we feel threatened. Our muscles tense, our heart pumps faster, respiration becomes laboured and our stomach releases gastric juices that prepare our bodies for immediate action. What we need to do is allot time for these physiological processes to subside, so that we don’t feel governed by basic instincts. So relax. If counting 1 to 10 isn’t enough, start some rhythmic breathing (inhale and exhale in a pre-determined pattern e.g. exhaling 5 seconds after you inhale) or guided imagery (visualize a place of calm and relaxation). Get yourself into Zen mode.
Essentially – look before you leap and ask yourself if you really need to react in this manner.
“I have to act immediately.”
What makes jealousy destructive is the voice in your head pushing you to GET ANSWERS NOW. Research shows that unlike infidelity in men, unfaithfulness in women tends to develop slowly and tends to last longer too as there are emotional attachments to consider. So, rest assured that you have time to resolve the issues between yourself and your partner, you don’t need to solve the issue overnight. Instead, take some time to cool down. Breathe. Exercise. Think! Note that I don’t say OBSESS – simply think things through.
Things will still be at the same point if you deal with them tomorrow. Things always look differently in the morning. Finally, don’t forget to control your imagination!
Reframing means actively changing your point view. You can begin a reframe by asking yourself: is there another way of looking at the situation without getting to damning conclusions? If you were a news reporter tasked with providing the public with a balance view, how would you do it? Are there calm and rational ways of gathering further evidence that will support what you think without risking the health of your relationship? What is the worst thing that can happen if you simply don’t react? If you already have a course of action in mind, is this course of action being true to the person you want to be? Let you mind start working; you can take the high road when dealing with jealousy!
Consider this example of a reframe:
An old school friend of your girlfriend triggers strong jealous reactions in you. What particularly annoys you is that your girl allows him to post messages on her Facebook wall. You demand she takes him off her “friends” list. She refuses to do so.
What to do? Well, you can think that there’s probably something going on between this guy and your girlfriend — after all, why would she defy you for him, right? But that kind of thinking doesn’t help. If you want to manage your jealousy, you must find other ways of thinking about the situation. Why not interpret things more positively? You can start thinking that the reason your girlfriend opts to interact with this guy on a public site is because she wants you to see that everything is on the up-and-up. In fact, instead of being jealous, you should actually be glad that he’s on her friends list!
“Because I feel it, it must be true.”
While it’s true that rational jealousy is triggered by perceiving actual threats to a relationship, feeling jealous isn’t always a guarantee that something is going on. Sit down, take a deep breath and remember exactly what you heard and saw. Can there be another explanation for what triggered your suspicions? What’s your history with jealousy like? Remember, a smidge of jealousy can make you hyper vigilant for other signs of infidelity, so watch out! You may be making a mountain out of a tiny, tiny, tiny molehill.
Control your imagination and become comfortable with the unknown!
A common trait among jealous men is that they let their imagination run wild when faced with a potentially jealous situation. They allow their mind to imagine the worst leading to images that are unrealistic. This is especially the case when they don’t know what their girlfriend or wife is up to and whom she is with. This can lead you into a fury of jealous ideas and most commonly, completely incorrect thoughts.
How many of us simply tell ourselves ‘I don’t know’, and then leave it at that?
On the other hand, there are men who always want to know the ‘truth’. They need to know where their woman is at any one point. They want to know for sure that she loves them and that she will be faithful to them forever. They want to know every single detail of what is happening with their partner. They hate leaving things in the unknown. This is the type of man who wants guarantees in place and no gray areas of uncertainty.
If this is you, then realize that guarantees in life don’t exist. You can’t expect this type of guarantee from anyone and similarly they can’t expect it from you. This is the real world, and none of us knows what is going to happen next. The best we can do is to be positive and remain optimistic without getting negative and letting these thoughts develop in our minds.
Truth is, reality is rarely as bad as we make it out to be.
If you’re not sure about something, don’t assume the worst and don’t get suspicious. Yes it can be difficult at times, but it is definitely tolerable and certainly more healthy for your relationship. So learn to be OK with it. Find something else to do. Keep yourself busy, and replace any negative thoughts with more positive ones right away. Once again, this may take a bit of practice but with a little persistence it will work wonders.
Learn the right way to talk to your partner about jealousy
Men need to be more open and honest when they feel their girlfriend or spouse is crossing a line that drives their mental interpretations and observations in a negative direction.
It is very important to communicate your feelings, don’t hold it inside. Don’t forget that women like to talk about feelings, they want to hear what you are experiencing and they want you to listen to their feelings as well. If you choose your words carefully (never accuse!) and tell her “This is how I feel when I see you do this….” (ex: speak to another man), more than likely she will listen.
It’s not worth trying to pretend that you are so enlightened that you never feel jealous. Remember, jealousy is not a sign of weakness. If you are trying to protect yourself and your partner from jealousy this will only lead to worsening the distance between the two of you rather than bringing you closer together.
If you have burning questions in your mind, ask her about them or they will grow more threatening in your mind. In my book, the real mans guide to controlling jealousy, I go into great detail about when and how to do this and, more importantly, how to correctly negotiate boundaries so she can understand your point of view, and you don’t come across as being controlling, and push her further away.
Communication is so important in a relationship, and learning how to communicate in the right way can mean the difference between her listening to you and her ignoring you.
Make yourself vulnerable, but in the right way (more on this in my book, as well).
The truth is, some women actually want you to show a little jealousy, and are turned on by it. But there is a right, and wrong way to do this.
Check out my post How to Communicate Jealousy to Your Partner in the Right Way
Trust is the key to overcoming jealousy in a relationship. Having an open relationship where you can openly discuss your insecurities can help build a strong foundation for your relationship. If your partner is doing something that is making you feel jealous or is shaking your trust in them, then the best way to overcome this is to discuss it and to put in place some action steps to help you overcome these issues.
The most important thing to do is to express your feelings to your partner and work together on avoiding situations that trigger jealousy. It is very important to express your feelings in the right way and with the aim of solving the problem rather than creating a new problem.
Name the emotion.
Be able to admit to yourself “Yes, I am jealous.” While this may seem like common sense, you’d be surprised at how many guys actually can’t tell that jealousy is eating them up — until too late. But the best way to regain control of jealousy is to acknowledge it, not repress it. Naming jealousy puts it firmly on the conscious instead of the unconscious level, and provides you opportunity to nip it in the bud instead of letting it grow. If you’re not sure whether it is jealousy you’re feeling or not, then try it for size. Just say: “I think I am jealous” out loud — and weigh if the confession sounds correct.
Visualize a thought-stopping image.
Is overwhelming jealousy a common thing with you?
Many researches argue that men tend to be affected more by sexual infidelity rather than emotional infidelity. Guys, when confronting their loved one, would usually want to ask: “Have you gone to bed together?”
Women, on the other hand, consider the sexual infidelity less of a priority, and would more likely ask: “But do you love her?”
Anthropologists believe that this phenomenon has roots in evolution. Men need to be certain their children are their own; women need to inspire a man to be a provider. Understanding this difference is key in helping you overcome jealousy.
In its early stages, men’s jealousy is mostly visual — they picture their women having sex with someone else. Is she with him right now? What are they doing? Is she enjoying it more than she enjoys sex with me? This implies that the key to arresting extreme jealousy is to also employ visual tactics, but rather than jealously provoking visuals, use positive images. What are the ways to push “pause” and simply focus on a different scenario?
Then maybe it can help if you come up with an image that you can use every time you get obsessive thoughts and images in your head. For example, every time you find yourself imagining your girlfriend having sex with someone else, start picturing the most outrageous, ridiculously funny or shocking thing you can think about — such as your granny in a lingerie. Or remember a time you gave in to your emotions to tragic results. The key is making your image emotionally provoking enough that it stops you from inviting jealous ideas to stay.
Picture yourself outside your situation.
Press “pause” and study your whole reaction as if you’re an observer to the situation. It may help to pretend that you’re a director yelling “cut!” in order to review the rushes of the day’s shoot. Identify the exact things that triggered your jealousy. What did you see and hear? What was going through your mind when you started to feel jealous? What conclusions did you make as you were turning over ideas in your head? Did you have “devil’s advocates” around feeding your green-eyed monster?
Rather than taking in the scenario on a personal level, try pretending that the situation actually happened to someone else, or pretend that the situation was not real but that you were merely acting out a script. I am not asking you to turn a blind eye to the situation, instead I am showing you ways to look at the situation from a more objective standpoint rather than from an emotional standpoint. In this manner you will be able to begin identifying patterns of your jealous behavior.
Practice some affirmations.
Lastly, it helps if you can employ some self-talk to help you get a grip on your senses. Give yourself some affirmations; for example, you can tell yourself: “What you want is to know the truth. So don’t do anything that will make her want to lie.” Or you can repeat this like a mantra: “I feel jealous but I will not do anything that I will later regret.” You may also counter self-pity and self-recrimination coming your way: “Even if this is true, it doesn’t mean that I am not a person worthy of love.” If jealousy is a long-term problem for you, then you can adopt the Coue method to managing jealousy. Tell yourself as you wake up in the morning “I am getting better and better at managing my jealousy every day.”
I hope you have found these tips on how to overcome jealousy useful.